The Storytellers

Storytelling is an art. A largely lost one in my experience. Especially funny storytelling. I absolutely love the three funny storytellers in my life. I am reminded of this as I have just yesterday had a funny story told to me by one of them. Seinfeld has nothing on these women. They can take a perfectly normal event, wrap it in their gift of storytelling and before you know it you're laughing hysterically. I'm talking about the kind of laughing where I am snorting like a 6 year old, tears rolling down my cheeks, can't catch my breath and ready to pee my pants. One of these women is my friend Lynn who told one story I'll never forget about a blind date she went on and the unidentifiable stink that followed them all evening. What I probably would have taken 30 seconds of paraphrasing and condensing to tell was drawn out into a wonderful 15 to 20 minute play by play that had an entire group of adult professional women laughing themselves to tears and snorting. This is a gift... and one I wish I had, if I were to wish for a gift. Taking the ordinary, breaking it down and examining it with an eye of humor. It helps me to laugh at myself because I find 'myself' in their stories of others. Another is my friend Berta who told me many a hilarious story, but only hilarious because she has the gift of storytelling and a heart with a sense of humor. My friend Lisa is the master of this gift. She could tell me about having a splinter and have me ready to pee my pants from laughing before she's done. The key is that she's willing to laugh at herself and at the absurd situations we all find ourselves in from time to time. She is innately intuitive and a student of the human condition. She sees that the things we people do are weird and funny and clumsy and sometimes just not well thought out. I won't breach any trusts with examples but I am just here to say how incredibly grateful I am that God put these people in my life. I am far too quick to take myself and everything else too seriously and not see the humor in it. Thanks to each of you for sharing your gift with me.:-)

Hot Cocoa is stylin'

Here I am in the glow of my computer screen, sporting my new haircut. The bluish cast isn't helping my complexion any, but it does highlight my 'hot cocoa' hair color. What do you think, am I ready for the holidays, or what?! As I sat in the chair of the new local organic hair salon with a girl I perceived to be about 15 years old standing behind me I was, I must say, a bit apprehensive. Being a hair stylist myself for 25 years now, I am keenly aware of what she should be doing...and not doing, and if I could sufficiently reach and see the back of my head I wouldn't have been there in the first place, one of which is telling her client all about her personal life. In the process of my 30 minute appointment (10 of which were blissfully spent with the whine of the blow dryer in my ears) I learned an incredible amount about this girl. Things I really don't need to know, but now I do. First, she's 'new here'. (Just a word of advice...never tell your clients you're new - it doesn't instill confidence.) Only been at this salon a couple of weeks, she said. She worked someplace else before (when she was fourteen). Judging by the number of clips that went in and out of my hair in the process I'd say she didn't work there long after getting out of hair dressing school. So then I find out she has 2 small kids and a husband to boot. Ok, now I know she's not 15. I hope. I won't share everything with you, you have to find your own young girl stylist for that, but let us suffice to say I could barely get a word in edgewise. Not the relaxing time away I was looking for, but I was able to encourage her to follow her husbands leading to home school her children. In between the topics of conversation and cutting my hair, she had an unfortunately distracting and ongoing battle with her cute little strapless dress, which required multiple yanks at the breast area with her free hand to stay above the horizon. I suggested maybe it wasn't cut out for , well...cutting...but it was cute with her flip-flops. I decided not to mention that she wasn't cutting my hair on the correct angle to adjust for my side part. I didn't want to throw a rogue drum beat into her rhythm and I figured I could probably fix that later, which I did. Someday I want to be able to afford one of those salons where the stylists are actually experienced, focused on you, don't chat with their fellow stylists while they work and don't tell you anything about themselves that only family members should know. On the flip side, in all my years BEHIND the chair, I got to know way more about some of my clients than I ever thought possible. The rumor is true. Ladies will tell their hairdresser things they won't tell their therapist. They don't have therapist training in cosmetology school. If they did the haircuts would be way too expensive. In the meantime I will just try to enjoy the experience and have fun with it. And really, at least my hair is cuter than it was. What more can I ask for? Signed, Hot Cocoa

anonymous

Did you ever feel like you're slowly dissapearing? It's an odd sensation. Of course I don't mean I'm literally disappearing, but that the things that are part of my identity have been stripped methhodically away. I'm a girl without an address, hobbies, activities, community, church, social life, etc. Even my library card is 'illegal' now that we sold our house and don't have a permanent address. But, one MUST have books...otherwise all is lost so as far as they know I still live there. I was thinking it might be close to what people experience when they go into the witness protection program. "You officially never existed and from now on we will move you around whenever necessary and give you to assumed identities." Weird. Aaahhh, change. Don't you love it? I've decided I need to get involved locally and do something with myself (besides contemplating my non-status). So I volunteered to help out with the marriage conference put on by our 'new' 'old' church and to help cater a few dinners. Perhaps this will help me focus better. Perhaps I need to embrace this time as a time to 're-invent' myself, so to speak. I mean, with everything up in the air we really could decide to do whatever we wanted to. Hmmm. What to chose? A little cottage in the south of France? A little cottage in the British Isles? A little cottage in Tahiti? Notice the cottage theme? Sounds cozy and easy to keep clean. I suppose I should focus on someplace where I can speak the language. Of course, I've got a whole winter of sub-zero days to learn a new one coming right up here? So many options. Any suggestions?

IrelandFranceTahiti

Let's hear those votes. Please feel free to include any lovely place I haven't thought of. Lopez doesn't count, cuz that's already a no-brainer as far as I'm concerned. Even better, where would YOU go and what would You do if you had the chance to change everything? Just curious ;-)

Drip, Drip, Drip, Drip

It seems lately that my life resembles a slow drip. Something unsettling, distracting and annoying all at once. It's like the one in my mom's kitchen sink that plinks onto the stainless steel bottom if not left to drip silently down the edge. We are living at their house at the moment. The odd part is that no one seems to be able to hear it but me. It brings me to the edge of reason and I HAVE to get up and fix it. Because no one else seems perturbed by this, they keep leaving it willy nilly wherever it is when they finish using it. Anyone remember the movie Gaslight? I'm beginning to wonder.... Anyhow, back to my life. After we sold our house everything that had been going a million miles an hour came to a screeching halt. We went up to our cottage in Maine for 2 weeks to rest and get our bearings and now, well now we're trying to find things to fill our time. Dave is working on a career change, I am homeschooling and taxi driving for extracurricular activities and wondering about the future. The sound of the slow drip I associate with the passage of time without a permanent home of our own with no end in sight. I believe this will be the time when our faith will be tested the most. Because I had time on my hands, a new concept, I recently read the book "The Blessings of Brokenness" by Charles Stanley. Tiny book, enormous impact. I could only take a chapter a day. I recommend it if you'd like to feel like you're having major reconstructive surgery while you're wide awake. Perhaps the dripping sound is my I.V.? God seems to be cutting and ripping things out of me. I am feeling both empty and ready to burst for different reasons. Now, I realize I asked Him to do this, but now that I'm on the table I'm having doubts. I can only trust that once the diseased stuff is out, I can be re-built. He has the technology.

The emptiness I diagnosed as relocation depression. This is a real condition experienced by people who have to move away from places they are happy and connected to. Generally this happens when you move away from a place you've lived your whole life. Of course I have to be opposite like George Costanza and experience this after leaving a place I only spent 2 years and returning to the place I grew up. I know, I'm weird. But it's really about the experiences and connections you make. These keep replaying in my mind like that background drip. I am fully aware, having experience with people who have had depression that it is a self-indulgent thing for the most part. I am not talking about clinical but experiential depression. The more I listen to the drip the more depressed I become. Pity party ensues. It is a vicious cycle. I have to choose to ignore that drip, to turn it away until it is silent.

Please don't think this is all there is. We are living and having fun amidst these things. We've been doing New England things like apple picking and country fairs and camping and horse shows and ice skating lessons. Watching the panoramas change from green to all the lovely shades of autumn with every passing day. Gold, yellow, crimson, fiery orange and burnt siennas dancing together in autumns symphony. We have cleaned my parents basement, sorted through all our possessions and learned to let go of many things. This is a complex time but there are always lovely things to be thankful for. My parents have been wonderfully supportive and kind, my friends patient. We are enjoying hearing our pastors speak to us on Sundays about God's great, unfathomable and unchanging love for us. Whatever the enemy has thrown our way to lure us away from or make us angry with God has only served to make us draw closer to God. This is of the highest value of anything we have done, painful as it may be. So we have much to be thankful for. That is the sound of the waterfall of the river of life. That is the sound I want to focus on. The drip brings tension and annoyance, the river brings peace and calm. Thank you, Lord, that you love me enough to not leave me the way you find me each morning.

Doin' The Happy Dance!!!

Time to celebrate. Raise your glass and join in the toast. We closed on the sale of our house today. We're officially moving on! God has blessed us with a quick sale and cooperative park owners ( a miracle in itself). So now we are on to the next step....Pray, pray and then pray some more. Then listen very hard to hear what God has for us next. We're heading up to our cottage in Maine for a bit of R&R. Thanks to all who prayed with us through phase one. Don't give up the ship yet! I'll keep you posted when I get back to electricity.

Rebuilding the House

Our Pastor is giving a series of sermons right now called Extreme Makeover. It is hitting home hard and I so appreciate his willingness to step out and talk about real, hard issues AND how to resolve them. God wants to rebuild the house (us) from the ground up. Pastor Mark likened it to the TV show Extreme Makeover Home Edition. In just about every case now, they completely demolish the old house and build a new one on a new foundation from the ground up. This is what God wants to do in my and every one of His kids' life. There's no duct taping, patching, bracing and painting just to make due and make it look new. No. He wants to build fresh, with strong materials, protective coverings and beautiful finishes. My house is battered and worn with life's pains and has been sadly neglected. I feel kind of like the house pictured above. I am currently in the demolition phase and am finding it a very painful but hopeful process. In the end, if I cooperate, I expect some great results. As we give away or throw away the majority of our earthly possessions I am seeing it now as a demolition of the old, painful life I am leaving behind, preparing for the new life that will be revealed. It will certainly make moving cross country easier if that is what is to be. Thanks to everyone on Lopez who has wittingly or unwittingly contributed to our preparation for such a time as this. The memories of our friends and church family and knowing they have not forgotten but continue to hold us up in prayer are a rock for us during this time and will help us see things through. And to my parents for helping us with all the details. We are forever grateful and we love you all.

Which Is Me?

As I was telling my friend Marsha the other day, stress does not bring out the best in people. As a matter of fact the real you comes out pretty quickly. You know, the one you try to keep under wraps, quiet, subdued. Allowing yourself to think you've conquered it. I have not posted anything here in a while because I have not been able to gather my thoughts into a coherent paragraph. I have been the angry bear with my husband. This I credit to stress, which of course brought all my un-lovely traits straight to the surface. I believe I am not alone in saying that we would like it if someone else were to blame for all our woes. But the simple truth is that I am ultimately responsible for my own actions, attitudes and beliefs. The self constantly strives to have it's own way, no matter what the cost. After all, we are constantly told by every means that 'we're worth it, we deserve ______, (fill in the blank with whatever belongs to you).' The lies become the truth to us if we listen long enough and then we are angry with anyone who appears to get in the way of our ambitions. I heard a long time ago a saying that seems appropriate here. The center of SIN is I. Sin separates me from God and from all those I have relationship with. As I am being ground in this olive press of life right now, God has made it clear to me some areas where I have turned away from Him, wanting my own way being the top blocker recently. We have lost most of the contents of our home from damage while we were away, sold our house at a loss, lost our second vehicle and are unemployed. It feels like we are pressed from every side. This is the cost of our freedom. Freedom from years of oppression from our landlords, freedom from bills while we make career transitions, freedom from over abundance of possession to move and store...and It is worth it. If you want to be released from bondage, there is a price to be paid. That's the central truth of Christian faith in Christ. Our nature wants to run back to Egypt like the Israelites where we think we had it good enough, not remembering how hard it was. I want to be free, even if it is hard. And it will be. One of my favorite hymns is "Come Thou Font Of Many Blessings'. The parts that resonates most with me are "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love." and '...Like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee". God is using this time to work on my wandering heart. It is hard to admit all the places I fall short but I am thankful that He is not willing to let me go my own way. Many years ago a pastor gave a sermon with an example I never forgot. (I guess God knew I would need it in my remembrance over and over again) He said that the way the hunters catch monkeys in the wild is by placing a small box in the jungle. They make a hole in it just big enough for the monkey to put it's hand through to reach the nuts they bait the box with. But...once the monkey has made a fist grasping onto the nuts it is too big to go back through the hole. The hunters simply walk up to the box/monkey and put it in a cage. The monkey, even in the face of it's captor will not let go of the nuts and set itself free. This was a profound message for me. There have been lots of 'nuts' in my life that I would not let go of. I'm a slow learner on this one and have graced many a cage. But the thing I was coveting, He is helping me let go of. The truth He revealed about what I was doing and how it was affecting everyone around me has begun to set me free. It is painful to let go but ultimately it is much more painful to hang on. So which picture is me? They both are. But I'm working on making the bear smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller ... ......

Praise You In This Storm

We are losing money, left, right and backward. We have taken a $10,000 loss on our house and been misadvised into a $3000 loss on our truck which we needed to have to move. This has not put me in a positive frame of mind this evening. It is difficult to realize that with the world I will find little if any grace. I remember years ago hearing a Christian woman speaker who shared her story about being set-up to appear on a program in which all the other guests were opposing her. God told her this....'When you're in the lion's den don't count the lions...count on Me'. She went ahead with the panel discussion and soon discovered that the entire studio audience was a group from a Christian women's college and they were all on her side. The plan of the programmers backfired on them in a big way. Good advice. I certainly feel like the prowling lion has been assigned to a stake out at my door lately. But, thankfully I have a God who goes before me into battle, walks by my side through thick and thin, watches over me from above and knows the number of hairs on my head, is the rock beneath my feet and who has my back. It may look like everything is falling apart before my eyes and that we are losing things and that the road is not finished ahead of me, but God can see far beyond my range of vision. I have to trust that, no matter what. So here's my song for tonight. It's by Casting Crowns. It is a song God gave me before I left the island and now I think I know why. He knew tough times were coming and that they would make me question and He gave me a response. Here it is.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Living in the Olive Press

In the Bible it talks about the pressing of the olive. It is a hard fruit with a tough pit inside. The valuable part comes as a result of the pressing and grinding of the olive with the heavy stones which is a rich, luxurious and delicious oil from an otherwise hard and bitter fruit. The oil was coveted and used for many good purposes. Anointing, prayer, etc. It takes a lot of pressure to get the oil out of the olive and what is leftover is the dry, broken fruit. I feel like an olive right now. There are so many things pressing on me as we go through this process of leaving Lopez, selling our home of 25 years and weeding out all of our earthly belongings just to move again to our rustic camp in Maine and not knowing what comes next. My loving God is pressing me right now and I feel the weight of what we are doing and how God is using this time to bring forth something rich, luxurious and delicious that can be used for His good purposes. He knows that the only way to produce that in my life is for me to be broken before Him, for my tough and bitter inner 'pit' to be shattered. It is in the stressful times when we learn the most about ourselves, our character and our strengths & weaknesses. It is a time for choices, changes and growth. I strive to trust the process.

Weighing in

Ok, the good news is I think I've lost some weight. The bad news is I think if I drink a couple gallons of water to make up for what I sweat out last week, I'll find it again. I've been doing very labor intensive things that make you sweat, you know like, sorting papers, clothes, toiletries and touching up the paint around my kitchen cabinet knobs. Luckily my house is shaded by giant maple trees or I think I would have melted completely by now. On the bright side, the work is getting done and we are moving forward. We are enjoying visiting family and friends and looking forward to spending some time at our little cottage on the lake.

On the flip side, I'm homesick. Full-fledged wanna be back on the island with my friends... now! It is odd to feel like a stranger in a place where you spent so many years of your life, but aside from my family and my dear friend and her family, I feel no particular connection anymore. I feel far away from my home. What is it that gives us this feeling? I think it's all about relationships and finding a place where you feel like you fit, are needed, liked and that you can contribute and serve others. A place that brings you joy. I was blessed to find that unique combination and now I want it back. I was talking with a friend tonight who left his homeland to come to the US 16 years ago and now feels strange when he goes to visit his family. It made me not feel so weird about how I'm feeling. Our house here is not able to be lived in due to damages that occurred while we were gone, our truck is in the same unusable condition, both wallet draining, and so we can't yet move things to our cottage as planned, and we are living at my mom's house. I'm just feeling a little like a refugee.

OK, enough complaining. I know that I am on a journey and that how I respond to the challenges before me will affect the outcome. I am trying so hard to remain positive in the face of all the setbacks. I knew before we set out that we would be facing difficult things. Knowing and living are 2 different things. It's the living that gets tough, frays our nerves, makes us want to blame someone, anyone, for our predicaments. All I can think of is that I want to do what is right and follow what God is leading us to do. Unfortunately this is not my natural instinct. My inner girl is fighting for control and wants to put Her plan into action instead, thereby avoiding the growth that will inevitably come with God's path. This is my M.O., this is what I always have done. It is hard to change your M.O. To restrain yourself and wait on God, but that is exactly what I must learn to do. The days ahead will be filled with challenges and opportunities to listen and obey and most importantly TRUST Him who holds all things in His capable hands. My vision of the future is so dim in comparison, but I want the itinerary, the plan, the inside scoop BEFORE I move ahead. That's not trust people, that's fear- not faith. So, I will get up tomorrow and try my best to put my life and future in His hands and let go of it with my own. How about you?

He may not let me go back home but, I'll let you know what amazing things He does. ;-)

Day 2....check.

Ok, seriously. The next time I go away for an unexpected 2 years I am having cleaning people come in regularly while I'm gone. I'm thinking a good hose down with a steam cleaner may be in order. Today was truck registration, shopping for extra cleaning supplies, paint touch ups on my kitchen cabinets and cleaning of all the kitchen appliances. First I have to confess that I did a less than stellar job of cleaning the fridge before I left. My excuse is that I was going to be having it hauled off and a new one brought in when I returned so I figured with everything else I had going....why scrub it down? 3 Magic erasers later I know why. But, the good news is that my fridge now looks showroom clean and will surely be the thing that tips the scales for the new buyers. All I want to know is Where's my bottle of Champagne? I'll tell you where... tomorrow I have declared a cleaning strike and announced to all interested parties that my mission is to go and see my friend Lisa, drink copious amounts of her perfect tea and be regaled by her stories and fabulous sense of humor and ability to quote Jane Austen at the drop of a hat....always appropriate to the situation. This should put me in a much better humor for the rigors of cleaning out my office and scrubbing the shower surround on Friday. There's nothing so refreshing as a day with a great friend. I recommend you all try to do the same very soon! Till tomorrow....

Dress for Success?

Clearly, based on this evening's photo from research for a 'woman cleaning her house', I approached my tasks today in entirely the wrong way. I was clearly underdressed and had a less than deliriously happy demeanor. I am sorry to say I wore heat appropriate clothing and was not prepared for the horrors I found in my house. The only dancing I did was short jerking leaps away from ninja spiders while vacuuming. Let's just say there are a lot of local mice that owe me back rent. And , I might add, a hefty damage deposit should have been explored up front. These little monsters (don't be fooled by the precious darlings of Cinderella fame) have invaded every nook and cranny of my house, every drawer, my fridge, and had a cough drop orgy in the bathroom cabinet to top it all off, leaving me with only the red cellophane which they industriously used to make confetti to strew about the closet. I hope they were all high for days and OD'd. Apparently my neighbors are putting on the feed bag for them in the form of their bird food. My bathroom and sewing closets were both adorned heavily with the hulls of sunflower and other seeds....along with the dividends of consumption of said treats. Had I been in my cute little red dress with high heels and a nicely twisted chignon perhaps I would have been in a more jovial frame of mind about their party refuse, but I was not.

Also, unlike Taffy here I was unable, I am sorry to say, to embrace the joy that is a sparkling clean toilet bowl. I'll have to remember to wear my whites next time I attempt this satisfying task. I believe there are people who's livelihood it is to take on these joyful pursuits, and after today (day one of many to come mind you) I am thinking it is time to seek them out. You would not think that a house that was cleaned and left in good condition could in 2 years deteriorate to such an extent. I was shocked at the mayhem I was confronted with and I don't mind saying- a bit put out so....

Add a gallon of sweat from the heat and mouse doodie stuck to her pants and this is a closer likeness of me today. Except of course I did not sport the cute pink cleaning gloves or scarf. But, I have to say...my bathroom is now clean and God have mercy on any rodent who dares to trespass without a prepaid lease tonight. I think traps will be on the morning shopping list, though apparently an empty kitchen garbage can can capture and bring about the demise of a mother and three children and you don't even have to use your expensive organic peanut butter to bait it! Who knew? It is nice though if you find them before they're nearly skeletonized. Is that even a word? Well, I'm using it anyhow, I don't have the energy to look up a good substitute in the thesaurus. It's amazing I can even spell thesaurus after being in contact with industrial cleaning fluids or a better part of the day. I can hardly wait for tomorrow. But I am wondering what I should wear....and will it make any difference with my head stuck in the old refrigerator?

City Heat

I forgot how the heat really feels. I had a distant memory after being on the island for so long, but as the song says 'It's all coming back to me now'. The 90's especially in the city are brutal. By the time we got back to the apartment Friday my jeans were sticking to my legs. I actually broke down and hailed a cab to take us the last 8 blocks.

This photo is the Ballfields Cafe in Central Park. We wandered over here for dinner last night and watched the baseball games on the fields across the path. Emma climbed on some of the giant boulders scattered through the park in lieu of the 2 giant playgrounds next to them. She hates structured fun for the most part and it was good to see her challenging herself to reach new heights. I refrained from climbing in order to maintain my dignity but my challenge came in church this morning at Morning Star NY. Keep in mind that our original plan was to move on yesterday to go to my mom's house in Maine but our friends invited us to stay for the weekend and so here I was in service this morning. From beginning to end in every part God spoke to me about keeping my eyes on Christ. Not what I think will work in my life, or what plan I can come up with to get what I think I need or want, but what He has for me. As we go forth with selling our house and into the future, these things do not make sense to us and yet we know that this is part of trust Him. We are constantly tempted in this life by many things but as I was reminded today God does not tempt anyone. It is against His nature. So if I am being tempted it is only my own desire and not from Him. I have strong emotions about what I think I want to do, but I can not trust and follow mere emotionalism. God has blessed us everywhere on this journey He has taken us on the last 2 years with friends (both in New England and on Lopez) who are supportive, who listen, who care about us and who have each given us (among many other things) encouragement, godly wisdom and prayer. Thank you all. As we set out for Maine tomorrow I go confident that I am in His hands no matter what. We are having a small thunderstorm right now and I hope it will drop the temperature before we head out later for our healthy NYC dinner of Hot Dogs in the park. (You have to do it once every time you visit!) So until tomorrow.....

Up, Up, And Away

I am watching from somewhere inside me, an inner body experience if you will, my beautiful daughter growing up, up and away. Just in the last few weeks she has had a metamorphosis into a young girl, no longer a little girl. How precious is the gift God has given me to be her mother. Not that this 'job' doesn't come with it's own trials and tribulations, but there is something so profound about steering someone else into and through this life and helping them to develop their sense of self in the grand scheme of things and to develop a godly character along the way. It is a job I am profoundly unqualified to do in my own strength and wisdom. Only by relying on God's strength and His wisdom can it be done. I have made and will make many mistakes along the way because I am human, imperfect and still growing up myself. But God's grace is abundant and He will make up for where I err. Nothing ever held my heart the way she does and it makes me think about the fact that I am God's child. In my human capacity I can barely contain my love for my child. I can barely imagine the vast love my heavenly father has for me. With all my mistakes, selfishness and imperfections, he loves me. He is proud of me when I grow and bloom just as I am proud of every accomplishment Emma has. In a city with so many people and distractions I am vividly aware of my need to protect her and keep her in my sight. Is this what God is doing with me, in this fallen world? Absolutely. I love Emma in every moment of frustration, disobedience, selfishness and need. My love does not depend on her perfection but grows in seeing her struggles and successes. I forget that God feels the same about me. Each new day brings my sense of urgency to a new level as I see the physical, emotional and mental growth in my daughter. A realization of what a short, short time I really have to influence her life the most. Nothing in my life has brought my shortcomings to my attention like having to be the example for another, nor the determination to overcome them. She makes me want to be a better person. Emma is a gift in many ways and I am full of thanks this morning that God has entrusted her to our care for such a time as this.

Caverns To Canyons

FYI; FallingWater is closed on Wednesdays. We wish we had known that and are determined to do better homework in the future. We visited 'Kentuck Knob' instead, which was only 7 miles away and at least got our Frank Lloyd-Wright fill for the trip. After that we were too late to go to the Caverns Emma wanted to go to so we drove the extra miles and again got stuck with a , shall we say;'less than desirable' hotel. OK, I'm not THAT picky but I refused to get undressed or sleep on their bedding. There was a complete lack of proper cleaning techniques being employed (Don't let the 'sanitized for your safety' strip around the dirty toilet seat fool you) and after running the water for about 7 minutes I gave up on the hope of hot water. Normally this would not have been the end of the world, but if you've ever had 2 days worth of chlorine in your hair from swimming pools and not been able to wash it out, you will feel my pain. Needless to say it was a restless night, but the last night we'll be in a hotel for awhile.

Thursday morning we went to the Lost Caverns in Hellertown, PA. Who named it? I don't know. Were they stuck there and hated it or was their last name Heller? Anybody? Bob, our tour guide reminded me of the actor Charles Durning and was very knowledgable, if a little corny in the hunor dept. It was a good tour and Emma got some souvenirs for her rock collection. Afterward we had a short drive of 1 1/2 hours to NYC. Thank goodness for a short day of driving!

I have seen many kinds of canyons across the country and now that we have landed in NYC I am reminded of what are called the 'Canyons of New York'. You can see a bit in these photos how much the buildings, each different in their architecture and colors, etc. make up a city canyon. And you sure feel your size when you are here in person. I always love coming to NYC. There is a vibration here, from the never ending movement of people, jackhammers, ambulances, honking horns, vehicles and wind that does something to your chemistry. It is a buzz you don't get anywhere else in the same way, and I am inclined to like it. I am so blessed that my friend is so generous and invites us to stay here in their apartment in Manhattan. It is so great to be so close to everything and have a nice base to return to when you need a break. It is always the best way to see anyplace when you have a 'home base'. We arrived at lunchtime on Thursday and I ventured out to Columbus Circle, right around the corner to Whole Foods (HUGE) and got stuff for dinner. Today, Dave went museum hopping and I took Emma and the 'girls' to American Girl Place on Fifth Avenue. It was girl heaven and the dolls each got their hair done in the salon, one got pierced ears and they each got a new outfit and a dog to share. Emma was so thrilled and I even splurged on a cab when we began to melt on the way home. Now I am determined to remain in the air conditioned apt. until Dave gets home and see if we can plan something fun for the cooler evening. For now I'm chillin' in the Big Apple.

The Great Frontier

I remember when I first saw Dances With Wolves how pretty I thought the prairies were. It has been nice seeing them first hand. Today we sped across the rest of Indiana, Ohio, West Virginia and came to a full stop in Uniontown, PA.

There is something daunting about looking for a hotel every night. We didn't want an itinerary, but the price to pay is finding or not finding a decent place to stay that won't break the budget. Tonight we thought we were stuck. The only place in town acceptable was the Holiday Inn. Usually more expensive. Imagine my sheer joy when it was less than some other places we stayed and has everything needed to survive for... maybe ever... within it's four walls. The center of the hotel is a courtyard featuring a huge swimming pool with tables and chairs and chaise lounges, a spa and an indoor playground, air hockey, billiards and ping-pong. There are also a restaurant, arcade, hair salon, guest laundry facilities, cookies and punch, etc. Our room opens onto the courtyard and a rear hallway to the outside. Everything is soft and lovely and I am sitting in a leather swivel office chair writing this tonight. Not bad. I asked the fam how long they wanted to stay! But, tomorrow we go tour Fallingwater and then to the Indian Echo Caverns (2 great places to stay out of the 98 degree weather we've been having. I forgot how much fun the heat is.)

So, on another note. I have some observations to share about the last week. Sometime try putting your whole family in a 4 foot by 6 foot space for 8 days. Only get out to go to the bathroom in unfamiliar places, eat outdoors and sleep in a variety of beds. Things will begin to happen. Feelings will surface. Your communication skills will be put to the test. You may find they are not as strong as you thought. On the bright side, this may be like immersion therapy, like putting arachnophobes in a room with tarantulas to get over it. Ok, I personally think that's going too far but bear with me. When you are confined with people you have to work out the kinks or havoc will break out. You find out what your weaknesses and sensitivities are and whether or not you are good at being a team player. I have found that none of us are the best team players. Not that I was totally clueless about this flaw in my character but it does seem magnified in all of us when put into a small blue box. We each have 'suffered for the other's desires to visit certain spots (I almost paying with my life; per my last blog entry). My conclusion is it is hard to be a family, even when you're in God's family. But it is worth the trouble it takes to put the others before yourself. I have found out things I believe God wants us to change about our characters and He is using our confinement to bring things out into the light so that He can help us grow up just a little more. So this trip is full of adventures, outside and inside the car. He is preparing us for some future events that we cannot foresee. I just hope we don't kill each other on the way!

The 'Gory' Details

Well, after three grueling days in the car and too tired at the end of each to write, I think it's time for an update. After Glacier we moved on to Nevada City and it's twin Virginia City....a mere 5 hour drive due to a 45 min. delay in road construction. Piece of cake day. If you don't know these are both frontier towns. Nevada City is a living history museum on the weekends and houses many original homes and buildings from all over Montana. Frontier House fans will recognize it as the training facility for the participants. We had our obligatory frontier photo done at a shop in Virginia City...I have to say my husband makes a good sheriff. Although as he pointed out the guy who was put into costume after him chose to be an outlaw and got the exact same outfit. I guess you can't tell a book by it's cover. The next day we headed to Yellowstone and did all that implies. I'm not one for touristy places with tons of people but it was ok. As noted in the photo above Buffalo are wild animals that have gored park visitors. Like me they can handle only just so much pestering and then they blow. (Lucky for my family I don't have horns) Apparently we were one of a select few cars who were given this ominous warning because as you may or may not be able to see in the other photo (of people running back to their cars as a buffalo tries to come up over the banking to gore aggressive photographers) people were indeed approaching the buffalo. Fortunately, like me, he changed his mind and returned to pacing the banking. As we left the park we took the northeast exit and proceeded over Beartooth Pass. This makes Glaciers' peaks look like a baby's stackable ring tower. As you can see in the photo I have aged 10 years since going over this treacherous poorly maintained, deathtrap of a road (free of guardrails for your viewing pleasure, so you can see where your demise might be). I will admit to one of the most stunning views I may ever see in my lifetime at the top, but I'm not at all sure it was worth it. It made me wonder how long you can actually survive with adrenaline constantly pumping through your body. Apparently long enough to stay conscious for the entire ride. After this we headed east again and into the Dakotas. We stopped in Rapid City only to find that the only hotel room available, being fourth of July weekend, was a fleabag place that had 2 cruisers in the parking lot trying to persuade an intoxicated man to vacate the curb near our door and a couple 2 doors down fighting with each other. This lovely non-smoking room almost knocked me over with the smell of nicotine drenched fabrics. I returned the keys, spirited my 8 year old, now wiser to the ways of the world, into the car and we had to drive 2 hours extra to get a hotel room in Kadota. Then yesterday we made another long haul from there to Des Moines where we thought we would visit a friend I haven't seen in 3 years. They were gone for the holiday weekend and so we swam in the pool at the Super 8 motel in Ankeny Iowa with no fireworks for the fourth. Definitely not happening next year! Today after 2 days of 10-12 hour days of driving we only drove 9-10 and landed just east of Indianapolis, IN. So we've basically crossed the entire prairies and saw a couple of farms here and there (lol). Who had any idea how much corn is needed for us to survive? I am thankful that God is allowing me to see the beautiful and diverse country I live in. His creation is wonderous. Tomorrow we are off to the eastern side of Ohio or western Pennsylvania, Wed. Frank Lloyd-Wright's house;Falling Water and Amish country, and then to our friend's place in Manhattan for a couple of days of rest, museums, American Girl Place and NO DRIVING. OK, maybe a subway or the cross town bus. So, sorry for the incredibly long post but I think we're caught up for now. Tune in next time!

Day 3-Glacier National Park....and beyond!

OK. Can we say Majestic? Never with my camera can I convey how small you feel amongst these gigantic mountains. Nor how much jello can be contained in ones legs. The older I get the more I appreciate how close to the ground God made me. Driving through Glacier National Park from west to east means that you're on the drop-off side of the road. Since Dave has wanted to see Glacier for so long I also wanted him to just be able to gawk at everything while I drove and tried to figure out how to share the inside lane with oncoming traffic. This photo was taken just after the 'weeping wall'. We stopped here for our picnic as it had the least steep cliffs of the entire trek and I was able to relax. I'd put more of my photos in but...that would ruin the slide show for later.;-) We drove from 7am to 6pm and landed in Great Falls, MT. Today we are opting for a shorter day and will head down to Nevada City for a little commercialized ghost town action and call it an early night. Then we're off to Yellowstone. Film at 11.

On The Trail....

Ok, I'm already a day behind journaling our trip, but that's because I was a total road zombie last night and couldn't think straight. We drove all the way to Colville, WA from Lopez. This picture is from Northern Idaho, just past Sand Point. Today started out to be a day from H-E-double- hockey-sticks. I was sick and seemed to have zero mental capacities. I think my brain was dried out from the dusty air conditioning unit that blew directly up my nose all night. Just guessing. After over an hour on the internet trying to secure a hotel room for tonight, but to no avail, we finally hit the road. Within 2 minutes Emma needed a band-aid for a 'bleeding paper-cut' and a new camera battery. After about 20 miles of neither of us functioning properly we realized we hadn't had our morning coffee yet....aha! Problem solved. After we pulled out of the coffee shop Emma decided a hot tea and donut combo would be good, so a mile later we pulled into a gas station. After this things perked up (pardon the expression) and we wound our way across Idaho and into Montana, during which (the shortest part of the trip) Emma wanted to know every 7 minutes if we were in Montana yet. (You've seen one mounain, you've seen them all.)

I am posting all this o give you an idea of how rough a start we had but to give Emma the credit she deserves, she is a wonderful traveler and has not complained. She has said she is enjoying herself and the scenery and is excited to get to Yellowstone to see the geysers, which she learned about last year. We finally decided that we would stop for the night in Libby, Montana, about 100 miles short of our original goal, sans the mental incapacitation of the morning. (Good thing I wasn't able to book the other room). And so here we are. Tomorrow we go through Glacier's Going To The Sun Road. Charging up the cameras as we speak. It's funny how when you're going through the dullest areas the speed limit is 25 and the most beautiful it's 70. Who wants to go fast then?? ME:"Hey, Honey, look at that." Dave:"What?" ME:"Back there." Dave:"What." ME: "Never mind." At 70 mph who knows if that lump was a Grizzly or a bush. All we saw for sure was a deer......so rare.... Ask anyone from Lopez. The other thing to get used to is that we lost an hour in a split second when we crossed over our first time zone change. We're on Mountain time now. =-( I wanna be on Island Time!) Anyhow, early to bed tonght and no leaving the hotel until our coffee has hit the system. Goodnight everyone!

A whale of a day

Well it finally happened. Tonight I was sitting on my friends deck, you know having a nice leisurely dinner with my peeps. I am facing MacKaye Harbor. All of the sudden I spot it, a giant plume of water shooting up into the sky...a large body breaching the waves and slipping back in. I have been in the islands for 2 years and not seen one whale. I've even gone looking for them. We spent half the day getting over to Lime Kiln only to read the tracking board and find out that the pod of orcas was off Iceberg Point on LOPEZ! No whales at whale watching central...no, they're in my backyard that day. Now 3 days before I leave the island God lets me see this wonderful sight. My sources say it is 50ft gray whale. A rare sight in MacKaye Harbor. There's nothing like being in the right place at the right time. It's funny how this type of thing will stop all other conversation and activity. We all jumped up and ran to what we thought would be the best viewing spot and waited for another glimpse. Whale surfaced a couple more times as it left the harbor but never that close again. Thank you Lord, for putting me in the right place at the right time! I believe I can apply this to the rest of my life. I can't wait to see what He is preparing me for, at just the right time.

Question of the Day = Need or Want?

My day started off as I was jarred into a state of alarm by a fog horn as the 6:25am ferry sailed past my house. My adrenaline already pumping, I got up and had a cup of coffee. This may explain the stupor I was in by 3pm as I sat at the Library on the computer while Emma looked for some books. On another note...

I have no idea why this woman looks so happy. Based on what she's doing she should look like me... A zombie-like creature roaming from room to room shaking her head in disbelief and turning in circles like she has one foot nailed to the floor while mentally calculating shipping costs. Her friend even seems happy to be helping her. I wonder what planet they're from? I know I talked about this yesterday, but even after bringing a liberating bunch of stuff to the thrift shop today I am going to be at about 30 boxes of things to ship east! One of which was big enough to hold Emma, which I considered briefly. Just kidding, but life certainly has a lot of baggage, as do eight year old girls. I'm declaring a strike on Christmas gifts bigger than a 3x5 card this year and they have to be consumable. All in all though, it was a productive day. As I look toward the end of our trip and having to pack my 'real' house full of things and move them when I get there, I have to ask myself this question....Need or want? Heaven knows there are a lot more things I want than things I actually need. Why for instance do I need 5 bread pans? I'm not a pioneer who needs to bake enough bread to feed my farmer husband and strapping young lads. And how many toys can 1 girl play with in the course of a week? This current change in my life is helping me ask questions that will help me live a more quality life, emotionally, and physically. Figuring out why I do the things I do is the key to letting go of my less beneficial behaviors in favor of adopting better ones. Like last night I figured out that I was holding on to all this stuff because it's my Lopez stuff. I have been so happy here that I associated the stuff with the feelings. In the end though, the stuff is not what I really want to take with me, it's the relationships. I have yet to find a way to successfully put those in a box. If I could do that I'd rule the world and I could have Donald Trump delivering my morning paper on his bicycle.

My stuff is sucking the life out of me!!!!!!!!

There are stacks of boxes surrounding me. I have collected them to ship and store my stuff since we have to move. This doesn't sound out of the ordinary for your average person, but I have to say....I'm not average. When we came here 2 years ago, my husband drove with 2 bags of personal clothing and a few items like books and 2 plastic bins with books, toys and special things I thought we might need since we were going to be gone for 4 months. (ha ha) Emma and I flew out each with 2 carry-on bags. Just enough to drive back and be comfortable. After all, we were moving into a fully furnished and established household, right down to the forks and linens. Well, we stayed a little longer and when we moved I took several large boxes and bags to the thrift shop and transfer station....and still had enough to warrant the equivalent of 10 car loads to be moved to our current temporary house...also fully furnished. Something is dreadfully wrong with this picture. I've shipped 11 boxes, (granted they are mostly smaller flat rate boxes, but still). I've taken 5 large boxes to the thrift shop and mall and am still overwhelmed. It's hard to believe we accumulated this much stuff in 24 months. It's costing me a small fortune in brain cells and shipping (and therefore negating the great bargains they were to begin with since I collected most of them at the thrift shop or Neil's) and all I can think is....why am I adding all this to the stuff I already have in NH?!!!!!!! Not only that but I was planning to store some 'necessities' at a friend's house while we're gone. So, I did the new thing I do, I asked the Lord what my problem was. Hmmm, don't you know He had an answer right on the tip of His tongue..."You're hoarding, let it go. It's owning your joy." Right. I'd been thinking I needed to have things here for when we return. I thought I was being practical, frugal, smart. OK, also there are some pretty things I don't want to let go of. But all it's doing is stressing me, and would these be the things I would choose or do I have them because they were a 'bargain'? Lots of us are enslaved by our stuff. We buy bigger houses, add rooms or rent storage facilities, rather than let it go and be free of the mental clutter of keeping track of it all and the storing and managing of it. It becomes our job, our decision maker, a cruel task master (dusting, my least favorite job). Before I came out here I had already learned this lesson and weeded out tremendous amounts of stuff from my home. I gave it to the goodwill because I hate putting on yard sales. I remember how freeing it was, how comfortable my home was and how I didn't miss any of it and couldn't even remember what all of it was or why I was hanging on to it! So, after a period of backsliding I'm deciding to let it all go and will encourage Emma in blessing other kids with some of her things. Truth be told, she outdoes us both in sheer quantity of possessions. (Lots more for birthdays, Christmas, etc.) Then... I won't have to pack it, lug it, ship it, store it, remember where it is, clean it, organize it or think about it, and no one else will either. Free! So if you haven't got enough stuff (and I think you probably do) check out Neil's and the thrift shop after Wednesday. I'm traveling light.

Ready....set....road trip!

The countdown is on. Cross country Road Trip in 7 days! Let the video load and then watch from the beginning for a smooth viewing.

I feel like Gumby

It is a must to remain flexible in this life. It is when I become inflexible, in my thinking, opinions and plans that I break when bent in a new direction. I think it is important to have some sort of plan, but it must be one that can be adjusted. We are getting ready to leave Lopez for awhile, to head back east and take care of some personal business. We had been thinking we would stay until a certain date, but the best laid plans can take a sudden turn, and we are now looking at leaving a couple of weeks early. Doesn't really sound like that much of a big deal but this means re-arranging work, our schedule, chores, canceling activities, planning to see friends one more time, packing and how and where we will travel across the country and all the last minute details have suddenly come front and center. Just when I thought I had it all figured out....CHANGE! I am starting to actually be amused by these things instead of derailed by them and I am hoping that means I am growing just a little. God is teaching me how to adjust. He does that by changing the plan and waits to see how I will respond. He is teaching me to trust Him and not my plan. He is showing me that life is flexible and fluid. I can't see all the turns and twists on the road ahead, but I can rest in the knowledge that He does, and He's going to lead the way. I just can't be a back-seat Driver! I find a distinct parallel to when my husband and I are travelling together. I have the day, direction, timing and where we're going all mapped out in my mind. Then Dave says, turn down this road, there's a (fill in the blank) down here. I was always annoyed by this because it wasn't something that was in my mind's plan, and who wants to see a (fill in the blank) anyway? As it turns out, almost unfailingly, that whatever it is turns out to be an interesting and fun side-trip. Spontaneity is something my husband flows with easier than I do, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. I am daily loosening my grip on my agendas and trying to be more flexible....this should make a 10-14 day trip in a small car with the family much more enjoyable, especially for them!

Half empty or half full??

Tonight's tap show went well. Emma and the girls did great again and I..well, I missed a step. Mind you I'm in the front row so, there's no hiding it. However, it got me to thinking. Of course I was focused on my error after the performance was over. It tried to overshadow the fact that I had had fun dancing and being among friends. It tried to chip away at my self-worth and tried to awaken that old perfectionism I used to grapple with. And then I thought- wait, I have a choice right here in this moment. I can focus on the one small thing I missed and be a big negative bummer or on everything I did right and how much fun I was having. Letting go of the ego is tough for all of us. We can have such high expectations of ourselves and what we forget is that no one else is holding us up to that standard. If they are that's their issue to deal with...not mine. I'm totally in control of letting myself off the hook. So, I had a great time dancing and watching my friends and their kids and grandkids dancing. I was not the best dancer there but it really doesn't matter. Several other people missed steps too, but since I wasn't there to critique them I just enjoyed it. It is good to be reminded that we are all human and all make mistakes. Thank goodness or we'd be...well, robots. So, a bit of a long story to say, I'm choosing to be a glass is half full kind of girl. What a blessing it is to be part of something fun with people I know and love. That is the memory I choose to take away from the Tap Show and now I can say I am truly looking forward to doing it all again tomorrow night...come what may.

Break A leg.....

Well, night 1 was a success. The girls were great and the audience was very enthusiastic! We had fun and therefore met my goal. Dancing is a great outlet mentally & physically, but it is also social. There's nothing like a shared experience for bonding. So many times here I have been grateful for people who are willing to use their gifts. And in a small community like this it is such a blessing. It is an almost indescribable feeling I get when, for example, I go to choir one night and am led by Kim, then the next night I go to tap class and Kim is being led by Jan, etc... the chain goes on and on. This is just one example of many where people I know lead or teach in one place and receive instruction from their student in another place. It has a beautiful symmetry to me and I think it keeps us all humble yet confident in our own gifts. It's great that everyone has their place to shine and a place where they help someone else to shine. In a large community it is rare to witness this kind of intermingling. But here on the island we all are called upon to contribute something to our community. Each of us has a part to play. Most people I know here are doing that in more than one capacity, and some are everywhere. It is a big part of what makes Lopez such a special and unique place to call home and why it has drawn it's numbers from around the world. It is why each of us gets to know so many of the people in our community, always crossing paths with one another at function after function. That makes for a great feeling of belonging and mattering that is a gift I would not have missed for the whole world. Thanks to all my fellow Lopezians for embracing us into your midst. It's been very cozy here. Now, enough mush. Have a great day and wherever you live may you be able to shine in your gift or as a result of someone else's today.

tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap

Kind of like the dripping faucet or the tick of the clock. Tap, tap, tap.....today starts 3 nights of the Lopez Tap Show 2010. I think I was tapping in my sleep last night. Counting endlessly in my head the steps. Emma is very excited. Dress rehearsal went well and we're looking forward to having fun, even if we're out of step. Dancing with all the ladies in my class has been a great time. I've met new people, laughed and just been able to forget about the pressures of the day. Fun. How many things do we do that are really just fun? Not too many. Today I'm advocating for Fun. Apply a liberal dose to your daily life and see what a spring it puts in your step!

I've Got You Covered

This photo is of Emma and her loyal companion Mona. Mona's entire reason for existing, it seems, is to guard, defend and protect Emma. A duty she assigned herself the moment she saw her. From the moment she is released from the house in the morning until she is put in at night, she's on duty, pasted up against the sliding glass door, which is the entrance to our apartment. (Unless of course Emma goes out...in which case Mona follows at her side, ever hopeful of attention, play, reward for her obedience and long suffering. It brought to mind the word abiding. Not a word I use or think of often. My friend Marsha once told me that her dog had taught her what it really means to abide. To be still and wait at the master's feet. According to the Websters the definition of Abidance is compliance and Compliance= A willingness to follow or yield to another. Spiritually, I interpret that as a willingness to not only accept my place in the grand scheme of things, but to be content in it as well. To acknowledge that God's ways are higher than mine and to yield to His will and plan for my life. Just like Mona was designed to do what she does instinctively, so I was made to serve and follow or abide in God and trust in His plan for my life. Mona does not seem anxious, bitter or put out as she spends hours in front of the door, barking at any noise out of the ordinary (and some ordinary). Perhaps it is because she is abiding in the will of the creator, doing what she was made to do. Hmmm. I feel a personal application coming on. I like the fact that she is always there. It helps me to remember that Jesus is always there, watching over us, ready to defend and protect us. He's got our back. (and every other direction). To sit at His feet and wait for His voice, patiently, expectantly, calmly...what would that be like? And to be willing to do what I hear Him say?...ah, there's the rub. But, I think I'll give it a try. Worrying, angst and trying to orchestrate my life hasn't worked, what have I got to lose?

Living My Bucket List

I was thinking today about how I am trying and doing things I have always wanted to do....but had never had enough courage to do before. Living my 'bucket list' if you will. Traveling, dancing, singing, being the real me, just putting myself out there, here in this place where I feel safe to do so. It has come from the situation I have found myself in...not knowing how long we'd be here, not knowing where the road ahead of me is leading and not knowing if when I leave here in a few weeks if I'll ever be able to return. I'm not comparing myself to a person with a fatal illness but, I liken it to being told you've only got 'x' amount of time to "Live". Live being the operative word. I mean, I'm not going to die (that I know of) but my time here on the island is short and I feel the impending and dramatic change coming my way. It makes me want to do things while I have the chance. It is a mirror to me of the one life God has given me to live on this earth. It will end, time is not on my side, so...what do I do with the time I am given? I have spent most of my life on the outside looking in. Always watching, never participating. I allowed fear and self doubt to be my decision makers, I did not have my faith and trust in God where it should have been, but in myself who is fallible and self centered. I am seeing things differently these days. God answered my prayer and took me out of my former life, brought me and kept me here to give me rest, to teach me, to let me blossom, to find my voice and ultimately to set me free. I am so grateful, for I know I have been changed and I can never go back to the life I had before...it doesn't fit any more, that girl is gone. So, onward. I don't know what is coming next, but God does. I will trust Him whose timing is perfect. All evidence is in His favor that He will come through. The wave of change is swelling up beneath me but I'm not going to give heed to fear, but start living my one life with purpose. I think I'll add some more things to that bucket list...

You Gotta Have Friends

Tonight I was blessed, again, by my friends. The last couple of weeks have been a string of preliminary goodbye parties, as I am loathe to give anyone an actual date of departure. Partly because oI don't really know myself. But it is getting closer and closer now. First, the Women's Ministry team Brunch, then our Small Group end of the year party, I even had a going away party to honor my friends. Tonight's party was with the Lopez Community Church Choir, of which I have been blessed to be a part. They gave me a lovely 'going away' party with sweet cake, personal sentiments, prayer and parting gifts. Parting gifts...Hmm, sounds like I was on the Price Is Right. Really though, it was very nice... but also another pang in my already angsting heart. I want to stay here where life has been so very good but, God has shown me here on Lopez, so far away from where I came, that no matter where I am, He will provide. He has brought special lifelong friends and wonderful times into my life here. They will be with me always and will be the things that call my heart back to this special place when I am far away again. I don't know what the future holds, none of us does, but I will go knowing I was accepted, encouraged, included and loved here. And isn't that all I can really ask for? Thanks everyone!

Hangin' Ten

Being my first blog and therefore my first entry, have patience. I'll learn. I am ruminating this morning about many things, chief among them is that in this earthly life, I have found, there is one thing that is constant above all other things... Change. Hence the name I chose for this blog. It is a relentless partner that lurks close by, ready to jerk me off my feet and send me in a new direction the minute I feel that everything is finally stable. That all is right with my world. You would think after all these years I would have made friends with change, accepting it's existence and it's higher purpose. This purpose (I have determined) is growth. I believe God uses this natural climate of change to develop our character, but more importantly to develop our relationship with Him. I may be taken off guard when the waves of change rise up beneath me, but He is not. It is a scary and dangerous ride when I refuse to accept that change is inevitable and in all likelihood...good for my soul and like a surfer who refuses to balance on the board I am shaken to and fro and dumped headlong onto the reef, upside-down in an environment with an oxygen level my lungs cannot tolerate....despite what they claim in the movie 'The Abyss'. The last 2 years have been a turning point in my life. God has given me nothing but opportunities to trust Him to meet all my needs, which of course He has, in every possible way. All the years I spent being stressed over change did nothing to prevent change from happening. So what am I fighting for? Why resist the blessing of growth? IT HURTS, THAT'S WHY! Pain. Something we all fear and avoid. But I am at the conclusion that pain is always worse in my mind than in real life. So to that end, I am going to learn to surf the waves of change. To breathe and enjoy the ride I am given, whatever is happening. Painful, sure, maybe. But, not nearly as painful as crashing into the reef. I love the analogy in "Parenthood" with Steve Martin and Mary Steenburgen. Steve's character is always hostile to change, Mary's realizes that it is just normal for life to be a roller coaster, so why not throw your hands up and enjoy the ride instead of freaking out like these things are only happening to you, like your the target.

Nope, not me. I'm going to be hangin' ten from now on.....