Which Is Me?

As I was telling my friend Marsha the other day, stress does not bring out the best in people. As a matter of fact the real you comes out pretty quickly. You know, the one you try to keep under wraps, quiet, subdued. Allowing yourself to think you've conquered it. I have not posted anything here in a while because I have not been able to gather my thoughts into a coherent paragraph. I have been the angry bear with my husband. This I credit to stress, which of course brought all my un-lovely traits straight to the surface. I believe I am not alone in saying that we would like it if someone else were to blame for all our woes. But the simple truth is that I am ultimately responsible for my own actions, attitudes and beliefs. The self constantly strives to have it's own way, no matter what the cost. After all, we are constantly told by every means that 'we're worth it, we deserve ______, (fill in the blank with whatever belongs to you).' The lies become the truth to us if we listen long enough and then we are angry with anyone who appears to get in the way of our ambitions. I heard a long time ago a saying that seems appropriate here. The center of SIN is I. Sin separates me from God and from all those I have relationship with. As I am being ground in this olive press of life right now, God has made it clear to me some areas where I have turned away from Him, wanting my own way being the top blocker recently. We have lost most of the contents of our home from damage while we were away, sold our house at a loss, lost our second vehicle and are unemployed. It feels like we are pressed from every side. This is the cost of our freedom. Freedom from years of oppression from our landlords, freedom from bills while we make career transitions, freedom from over abundance of possession to move and store...and It is worth it. If you want to be released from bondage, there is a price to be paid. That's the central truth of Christian faith in Christ. Our nature wants to run back to Egypt like the Israelites where we think we had it good enough, not remembering how hard it was. I want to be free, even if it is hard. And it will be. One of my favorite hymns is "Come Thou Font Of Many Blessings'. The parts that resonates most with me are "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love." and '...Like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee". God is using this time to work on my wandering heart. It is hard to admit all the places I fall short but I am thankful that He is not willing to let me go my own way. Many years ago a pastor gave a sermon with an example I never forgot. (I guess God knew I would need it in my remembrance over and over again) He said that the way the hunters catch monkeys in the wild is by placing a small box in the jungle. They make a hole in it just big enough for the monkey to put it's hand through to reach the nuts they bait the box with. But...once the monkey has made a fist grasping onto the nuts it is too big to go back through the hole. The hunters simply walk up to the box/monkey and put it in a cage. The monkey, even in the face of it's captor will not let go of the nuts and set itself free. This was a profound message for me. There have been lots of 'nuts' in my life that I would not let go of. I'm a slow learner on this one and have graced many a cage. But the thing I was coveting, He is helping me let go of. The truth He revealed about what I was doing and how it was affecting everyone around me has begun to set me free. It is painful to let go but ultimately it is much more painful to hang on. So which picture is me? They both are. But I'm working on making the bear smaller and smaller and smaller and smaller ... ......